WTF DO I DO She's Coming Over

Shes Coming Over
Making a good first impression of your pad demonstrates to the new gal that you're ll grown up and you give AF. It's a chance to show her you care, but it also shows what kind of man you are. It will also give her a sense of your personality, and your personal responsibility. Don’t blow this chance to impress your date the second she crosses the threshold into your place.

1. Clean Clean Clean!

Did we mention clean? This really can’t be stressed enough:
  1. Clean your sheets, put new ones on and make your bed.
  2. Tidy up your gym clothes and put them in the washing basket.
  3. Wipe down all the kitchen counters, the stove top with a disinfecting wipe. If there are dirty dishes anywhere, get rid of them
  4. Wipe off the table you’ll be eating on with some disinfectant
  5. Look at your floors, is there visible dirt/dust? If the answer is yes, run the vacuum over it and give it a full or spot mop
  6. Get rid of any porn hub evidence IE tissues right next to your laptop!

There is nothing less appealing to a woman than a teenage boy's bedroom. Basically you want to give the impression that your house is run by a normal responsible adult (this will gain you HUGE points)

2. Get Rid of the Housemates

If we’re really honest, if you’re over 30, you shouldn’t really have a housemate anymore. We know it’s tough financially – but for dating (and just life) it's a necessary part of being a man. But if you do have housemates, give em the heads up that a lady is coming over and maybe shout them a parma and a pint at the pub as a "thanks bro"!

3. Go to the Shops

Technically you’re playing host, so a glass of tap water with some Samboy's BBQ won't really cut the mustard. So do yourself a flavour and go to the gourmet isle of The Herdsman or something similar... What you're looking for is
  1. Grapes (seedless)
  2. Fancy cheese (camembert, stay away from blue cheese that shit is just gross)
  3. Grain waves or some other posh chips
  4. Some fruit (Pears, apples etc)
  5. Nuts (cashews, peanuts)
  6. CHOCOLATE (notice CAPS)
While you're at the shops, stock up on toilet paper and ditch the goon and buy a decent bottle of wine. See Cheaper by the dozen for buying in bulk and saving dosh and here's an article on how to choose a decent bottle of wine. YOU'RE WELCOME

4. Set The Mood

Atmosphere counts when it comes to seduction, so make sure you’re sending the right signals. Subtly is the name of the game here;, because you don’t want to come off as a player. A good way to start is to burn some scented candles as they provide the perfect ambient light, while masking the stench of whatever she’s better off not smelling. but if it’s too much of a fire hazard, go for a dim lamp. 
Obviously offer up those snacks you have pre prepared and get some tunes happening. Throw on a spotify playlist on which will create conversation, this is waaaay better than TV because it keeps your attention on each other.
Lastly get a cosy blanket draped on the side of the couch for some "snug time". Sure it may not be the most masculine thing to keep at your pad, but trust us, she’ll notice and she’ll froth!

5. Chill Out Star Wars Nerd

Remember the part in the 40 Year Virgin, where he cleared out his prized geeky collectibles? Yeh your going to do the same! We're not saying you have to be ashamed of being a massive nerd. But the fact remains that the massive array of action figures, movie replicas, comics and collectible figurines lining your shelves aren’t exactly chick bait, especially if any of them have their boobs hangin out.
A collection is well and good, but once it goes beyond a certain point, it sends the message that you don’t have room for anything else in your life and that you're a bit of a "man child"… look being a geek is part of who you are, it's not the only thing you are, and your man pad should reflect that.

6. Dress To Impress

Dress like it’s still a date and unless she specifically says she’s coming over in activewear, don’t wear trackies and a promo shirt you got free that one time at that pub when you were 18, which has closed down and now you sometimes use it as a rag to wash the car with. Put a bit of effort in yeh?
  1. Dash a bit of cologne
  2. Trim those beard and nose hairs
  3. Wax the back and shoulders
  4. Wear some nice boxers (just incase)
Even if you just wear good jeans and a nice new t-shirt, that's totally cool. Just don’t let your style lax just because you’re at home, dress like it’s a date. It shows that you give a sh*t, and it aint a booty call.

7. Uber Eats vs Cooking

  1. Check with her first as she may have food allergies
  2. Order UBER EATS
  3. DONE

If you think Jamie Oliver is hard to replicate, don’t get yourself in over your head. If you can’t cook, just UBER EATS it. If you can cook a little, don’t try and impress her with rack of lamb and fail miserably. Don’t go overboard in the creativity realm because if it’s the first time she’s coming over then you probably don’t really know all of her likes and dislikes. Whichever decision you make follow these basics:

  1. Pop that wine if you have it so it can "breathe"
  2. If you have a dining table, use it. Save the couch for later
  3. Set the table before she gets there and have the meal just about ready before she gets there so you’re both not sitting there starving or she’s not sitting there by herself for an hour while you finish cooking
  4. Have a backup plan if you’re cooking – aka be prepared to ditch the meal and order takeaway if it fucks up. Listen it can happen to the best of us, just be prepared mmmkay?

8. Don't Expect any Sexy Boom Boom

Just because you have cleaned and slaved away on the hot stove doesn't mean she has to put out. Just play it cool, relax and be an absolute gentleman. Play the long game and get her heart first. In other words when a woman says “Yes” to coming back to your place, this is not the same thing as her saying “Yes” to having sex with you.